Ego Dialogues

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Answer their questions with questions.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.