Mortal Jokes

The Cyanide Prescription

PoisonA woman walks into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist that she needs some cyanide right away. The pharmacist is naturally concerned by such a request, and asks: “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

So, the woman explains to him that she needs it in order to poison her husband.
The pharmacist, pale from shock, and with a frozen expression on his face, says:
“I can’t give you any cyanide to kill your husband! That is against the law and I would lose my license! They would throw both of us in jail and God knows what else would happen. My answer is Absolutely Not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and calmly responds:
“Well, now Madam. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

 

First Child

A guy phones the local hospital and yells, “You’ve gotta send help! My wife’s in labor!”

The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”

He replies, “No! This is her husband!”

 

That’s Not It

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, “That’s it.”

Trick Your Body Into Submission

Contents

1. If your throat tickles, scratch your ear!
2. Experience supersonic hearing!
3. Overcome your most primal urge!
4. Feel no pain!
5. Clear your stuffed nose!
6. Fight fire without water!
7. Cure your toothache without opening your mouth!
8. Make burns disappear!
9. Stop the world from spinning!
10. Unstitch your side!
11. Stanch blood with a single finger!
12. Make your heart stand still!
13. Thaw your brain!
14. Prevent nearsightedness!
15. Wake the dead!
16. Impress your friends!
17. Breathe underwater!
18. Read minds!

 
1. If your throat tickles, scratch your ear!
“When the nerves in the ear are stimulated, it creates a reflex in the throat that can cause a muscle spasm,” says Scott Schaffer, M.D., president of an ear, nose, and throat specialty center in Gibbsboro, New Jersey. “This spasm relieves the tickle.”
 
2. Experience supersonic hearing!
If you’re stuck chatting up a mumbler at a cocktail party, lean in with your right ear. It’s better than your left at following the rapid rhythms of speech, according to researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine. If, on the other hand, you’re trying to identify that song playing softly in the elevator, turn your left ear toward the sound. The left ear is better at picking up music tones.
 
3. Overcome your most primal urge!
Need to pee? No bathroom nearby? You are male? Then fantasize…
Thinking about sex preoccupies your brain, so you won’t feel as much discomfort, says Larry Lipshultz, M.D., chief of male reproductive medicine at the Baylor College of Medicine.
 
4. Feel no pain!
German researchers have discovered that coughing during an injection can lessen the pain of the needle stick. According to Taras Usichenko, author of a study on the phenomenon, the trick causes a sudden, temporary rise in pressure in the chest and spinal canal, inhibiting the painconducting structures of the spinal cord.
 
5. Clear your stuffed nose!
The easiest, quickest, and cheapest way to relieve sinus pressure is to alternately thrust your tongue against the roof of your mouth, then press between your eyebrows with one finger. This causes the vomer bone, which runs through the nasal passages to the mouth, to rock back and forth, says Lisa DeStefano, D.O., an assistant professor at the Michigan State University college of osteopathic medicine. The motion loosens congestion? after 20 seconds, you’ll feel your sinuses start to drain.
 
6. Fight fire without water!
Studies have shown that patients who sleep on their left sides are less likely to suffer from acid reflux. The esophagus and stomach connect at an angle.
When you sleep on your right, the stomach is higher than the esophagus, allowing food and stomach acid to slide up your throat. When you’re on your left, the stomach is lower than the esophagus, so gravity’s in your favor.
 
7. Cure your toothache without opening your mouth!
Just rub ice on the back of your hand, on the V-shaped webbed area between your thumb and index finger. A Canadian study found that this technique reduces toothache pain by as much as 50 percent compared with using no ice. The nerve pathways at the base of that V stimulate an area of the brain that blocks pain signals from the face and hands.
 
8. Make burns disappear!
When you accidentally singe your finger on the stove, clean the skin and apply light pressure with the finger pads of your unmarred hand. Ice will relieve your pain more quickly, Dr. DeStefano says, but since the natual method brings the burned skin back to a normal temperature, the skin is less likely to blister.
 
9. Stop the world from spinning!
One too many drinks left you dizzy? Put your hand on something stable. The part of your ear responsible for balance, the
cupula, floats in a fluid of the same density as blood.
“As alcohol dilutes blood in the cupula, the cupula becomes less dense and rises,” says Dr. Schaffer. This confuses your brain. The tactile input from a stable object gives the brain a second opinion, and you feel more in balance. Because the nerves in the hand are so sensitive, this works better than the conventional footonthefloor wisdom.
 
10. Unstitch your side!
If you’re like most people, when you run, you exhale as your right foot hits the ground.
This puts downward pressure on your liver (which lives on your right side), which then tugs at the diaphragm and creates a side stitch, according to The Doctors Book of Home Remedies for Men. The fix: Exhale as your left foot strikes the ground.
 
11. Stanch blood with a single finger!
Pinching your nose and leaning back is a great way to stop a nosebleed if you don’t mind choking on your own O positive. A more civil approach: Put some cotton on your upper gums just behind that small dent below your nose and press against it, hard.
“Most bleeds come from the front of the septum, the cartilage wall that divides the nose,” says Peter Desmarais, M.D., an ear, nose, and throat specialist at Entabeni Hospital, in Durban, South Africa. “Pressing here helps stop them.”
 
12. Make your heart stand still!
Trying to quell firstdate jitters? Blow on your thumb. The vagus nerve, which governs heart rate, can be controlled through breathing, says Ben Abo, an emergency medical services specialist at the University of Pittsburgh. It’ll get your heart rate back to normal.
 
13. Thaw your brain!
Too much ice-cream too fast will freeze the brains of lesser men. As for you, press your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth, covering as much as you can. “Since the nerves in the roof of your mouth get extremely cold, your body thinks your brain is freezing, too,” says Abo. “In compensating, it overheats, causing an icecream headache.” The more pressure you apply to the roof of your mouth, the faster your headache will subside.
 
14. Prevent nearsightedness!
Poor distance vision is rarely caused by genetics, says Anne Barber, O.D., an optometrist in Tacoma, Washington. “It’s usually caused by nearpoint stress.” In other words, staring at your computer screen for too long. So flex your way to 20/20 vision. Every few hours during the day, close your eyes, tense your body, take a deep breath, and, after a few seconds, release your breath and muscles at the same time. Tightening and releasing muscles such as the biceps and glutes can trick involuntary muscles like
the eyes into relaxing as well.
 
15. Wake the dead!
If your hand falls asleep while you’re driving or sitting in an odd position, rock your head from side to side. It’ll painlessly banish your pins and needles in less than a minute, says Dr. DeStefano. A tingly hand or arm is often the result of compression in the bundle of nerves in your neck? loosening your neck muscles releases the pressure. Compressed nerves lower in the body govern the feet, so don’t let your sleeping dogs lie. Stand up and walk around.
 
16. Impress your friends!
Next time you’re at a party, try this trick: Have a person hold one arm straight out to the side, palm down, and instruct him to maintain this position. Then place two fingers on his wrist and push down. He’ll resist. Now have him put one foot on a surface that’s a half inch higher (a few magazines) and repeat. This time his arm will cave like the French. By misaligning his hips, you’ve offset his spine, says Rachel Cosgrove, C.S.C.S., coowner of Results Fitness, in Santa Clarita, California. Your brain senses that the spine is vulnerable, so it shuts down the body’s ability to resist.
 
17. Breathe underwater!
If you’re dying to retrieve that quarter from the bottom of the pool, take several short breaths first essentially, hyperventilate. When you’re underwater, it’s not a lack of oxygen that makes you desperate for a breath? it’s the buildup of carbon dioxide, which makes your blood acidic, which signals your brain that somethin’ ain’t right. “When you hyperventilate, the influx of oxygen lowers blood acidity,” says Jonathan Armbruster, Ph.D., an associate professor of biology at Auburn University. “This tricks your brain into thinking it has more oxygen.” It’ll buy you up to 10 seconds.
 
18. Read minds!
Your own! “If you’re giving a speech the next day, review it before falling asleep,” says Candi Heimgartner, an instructor of biological sciences at the University of Idaho. Since most memory consolidation happens during sleep, anything you read right before bed is more likely to be encoded as longterm memory.

Author: Kate Dailey

 

Word Constructor & Anagrams

This is neat. Perhaps not the most useful tool out there, but you can create some interesting names with the Word Constructor, and knowing their background adds additional flair (at least for you, the Creator).

For example, my full name generates this:
Sabodu Bure
It does have a nice ring to it..

Website: Word Constructor
(opens in a new window)

Unscramble, find, rhyme or define a word at Unscramble.net.

 

How about some advanced anagramming?
Website: Advanced Anagramming
(opens in a new window)

Again, my full name generates, for example… A Boa Sinner, or Boar Insane. :)

PS: What is an Anagram?
A word that is spelled with the exact same letters as another word.

 

Would you like to see some famous anagrams?

Famous Anagrams

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Schoolmaster = The classroom

Elvis = Lives

Listen = Silent

Clint Eastwood = Old West Action

Evangelist = Evil’s Agent

Astronomers = Moon starers / No more stars

A telescope = To see place

The eyes = They see

The cockroach = Cook, catch her

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in’em

Conversation = Voices Rant On

Mr. Mojo risin’ = Jim Morrison (from the Doors song, “L.A. Woman”)

Butterfly = Flutter-by

Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

Tom Cruise = So I’m Cuter

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Funeral = Real Fun

A Domesticated Animal = Docile, as a Man Tamed it

The Railroad Train = Hi! I Rattle and Roar

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z’s

Vacation Times = I’m Not as Active

The Detectives = Detect Thieves

A Gentleman = Elegant Man

Presbyterian = Best In Prayer

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I’m a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Statue of Liberty = Built to Stay Free

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Admirer = Married

Cool One-liners

Some of these are a bit old in the mean time. After all, even the most original line will be less than original if it gets overused due to its original originality. None the less, some of you may not yet be familiar with some of these, and remembers, the comments box at the bottom of the post provides you with a wonderful opportunity to add your own very cool one-liner.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
 

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

 

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

 

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”

 

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.

 

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

 

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

 

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

 

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

 

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

 

The face of a child can say it all….especially the mouth part of the face.

 

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

It’s been lovely but I have to scream now.

 
Don’t give me that attitude – I’ve got my own.
 

Keep staring….I may do a trick.

Lovers, by Magritte

Have you ever wondered, what was Magritte thinking when he painted this painting?

Lovers, painting by Rene Magritte

Margitte answers..

“My painting is visible images which conceal nothing… they evoke mystery and indeed when one sees one of my pictures, one asks oneself this simple question ‘What does that mean’?
It does not mean anything, because mystery means nothing either, it is unknowable.”

Rene Magritte

Sparrow

Sparrow by Simon & Garfunkel

Sparrow
Simon & Garfunkel

Who will love a little Sparrow?
Who’s traveled far and cries for rest?
“Not I”, said the Oak Tree,
“I won’t share my branches with
no sparrow’s nest,
And my blanket of leaves won’t warm
her cold breast.”
 
Who will love a little Sparrow
And who will speak a kindly word?
“Not I”, said the Swan,
“The entire idea is utterly absurd,
I’d be laughed at and scorned if the
other Swans heard.”
Who will take pity in his heart,
And who will feed a starving sparrow?
“Not I”, said the Golden Wheat,
“I would if I could but I cannot I know,
I need all my grain to prosper and grow.”
 
Who will love a little Sparrow?
Will no one write her eulogy?
“I will,” said the Earth,
“For all I’ve created returns unto me,
From dust were ye made and dust ye shall be.”

 
YouTube Preview Image

 

Two Monks & a Scorpion

Two Monks and a Scorpion
 
Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning.

One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process he was stung. He went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell in. The monk saved the scorpion and was again stung. The other monk asked him, “Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know its nature is to sting?”
 
“Because,” the monk replied, “to save it is my nature.”

 

 

PS: If you like short stories filled with wisdom…
Ancient Words of Wisdom.